Motherhood in an Age of Comparison

Comparison is everywhere.

Living in this super-connected world that we live in has its benefits, but unfortunately it comes with a lot of stress, too. I think if we're going to intentionally stay plugged in to these online communities, the stress of comparison is inevitable. The "joy thief" of comparison seems to hit women especially hard.

It's so easy to scroll through my Facebook news feed, wasting my time looking at endless pictures of my friends' highlight reels. We all know deep down that that's what social media is: a highlight reel. Very few people will post pictures of their failures. Not many of my Facebook friends will post stories retelling how they totally lost their minds and yelled at their kids earlier that afternoon. (Side note - I actually do have some friends that post very real, vulnerable things and I appreciate that about them!)

So as I'm scrolling through these filtered, staged photos, I don't usually focus on the fact that they are, in fact, filtered and staged. You better believe if I'm going to post a picture of my kids, I'm going to try to place them in the least-cluttered area of our house to do it.

The issue with the mindless scrolling is that it is just that: mindless. You don't think about the fact that these other moms also moved their kid from the piles of laundry to take a cute picture of them in front of that one really well-decorated wall in their living room. We assume this is their life actually looks - uncluttered, beautifully decorated, soooo Pinteresting!

Aaaaand, enter the joy thief.

When we take comparisons personally, we hurt ourselves first and foremost. We start to think less of ourselves. We feel as though we're incapable of measuring up to these other people. We think there's no way we can be as good or as successful or as powerful or as fill in the blank as the people we compare ourselves to. When we think that often enough, it settles deep down in our souls as the truth. Before we know it's even happening, we're living our life believing that we are so much less than the next person.

From there, I believe it starts to affect our relationships. You may start looking to your husband, expecting him to do these perfect social media post-able romantic gestures. You might start placing unfair pressure on your kids, thinking in the back of your mind, "if her kids can do this, then why can't mine?" I don't think we intentionally decide to place undue pressure on our loved ones, but if we're living in a constant shadow of comparison, it's bound to start affecting our relationships with them.

I was thinking this morning how ridiculous this whole comparison game is. I had the joy of growing up in the '90s before social media was even a thing. I got off the bus, walked down the road while annoying my big brother, did my homework, played outside until dinner, and then went back outside or played with my Barbies until bedtime. There was no thought of what my classmates were doing, if it was better or more fun or more exciting than what I was doing. I was unconnected to them with the exception of the occasional phone call (on a home phone, what!) from a friend to ask about homework or to invite me to a sleepover that weekend.

I wondered what it would have been like to be a parent in the generations before social media. When you just took care of your home and your people, making memories without having everyone else's memories to compare yours to. You took pictures to keep in scrapbooks or memory boxes or picture frames, not to create the perfect Instagram aesthetic. Not to try to get more likes on this post than yesterday's post. I feel like life and motherhood and parenting had to be simpler in some respects.

When you get down to the basics of being a parent, though, it hasn't changed.

What is the goal of a mom? How do you measure the success of a mom?

I have to think it's about keeping your kids safe, cared for, and loved.

Where does social media and comparison fit in to that?

Thank the good Lord above - it doesn't fit in.

Your kids will not look back at their childhood and wish, "why wasn't my mom's hair straighter and softer, and why didn't she contour her cheekbones more successfully?"  They won't look back and think "wow, my mom really should have tried harder to achieve the perfect farmhouse-style kitchen when I was in kindergarten." No child will measure your success as a parent by how much nicer and cleaner your car was when compared to your neighbor's car.

We know all of this, right? It's ridiculous to even think that our kids would care about these things.

So, why do we act like it's such a big deal to measure up to the other moms in our Facebook groups or play groups or on our Instagram feed? It all boils down to comparison.

I have found that I'm so much happier when I take a step back from social media. To unplug your mind from everyone else's world is such a healthy thing to do. It's okay to disconnect. It's okay to do motherhood without the internet. The quote is correct - comparison really does steal your joy! It's beautiful to put your phone on silent, place it in a separate room, and play with your kids or help them clean their rooms or help them with their homework.

I have to think that these are the things my kids will look back on and remember.

Put your effort in to these moments, not in to trying to be like someone you're not. Make memories that your kids will enjoy looking back on as they grow older. You don't have to be a Pinterest mom. Rather than striving so hard and killing ourselves to measure up to the impossible standard of the "perfect" mom, I hope we can all take a break, sit back, and enjoy life with our children. I hope that we can grab on to the idea that we are exactly who God made us to be, throwing away the bad habit of trying so hard to be just like everyone else.





How do you battle comparison? How do you make sure that you are embracing who you are, rather than trying to be like someone else? I hope you'll share your thoughts in the comments below!

Abundantly More

Ephesians 3:20 has become one of my favorite Bible verses over the course of the past few months. I often find myself thinking about the God of "abundantly more," and I wanted to dive deeper in to this verse. I recently heard about verse mapping, a method of Bible study that allows the reader to break down scripture in to words or phrases to gain deeper understanding of what God is teaching us through His Word. 

If you want to look in to verse mapping for your personal study time, this website was incredibly helpful: www.womanofnoblecharacter.com/verse-mapping/. I followed her general outline for setting up my own maps, as well as her recommendation to use biblehub.com for commentaries and dictionaries. 

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..."

What I've been dwelling on lately is the far more abundantly portion of this verse. This verse comes from a prayer that Paul includes in his letter to the churches in Ephesus. When I think of Paul writing these letters from a prison cell, I wonder (in an amazed kind of way!) at the level of faith he must have had to not only endure his hardships as a prisoner, but to be able to keep encouraging others through his imprisonment and even to find joy in his circumstances. 

Paul believed in a God that is capable of doing more than we can even imagine. He knew that our human thinking has boundaries, limits set by our experiences and our beliefs and our circumstances. He also knew that God could totally blow up these boundaries by showing Himself in a way we could never even begin to imagine.

I think of it this way: when I have a problem, I tend to only think of possible solutions to my issue. A way to fix the problem. Speaking personally, when I dwell on my anxiety, I think of ways I can make it go away. Medicine, counseling, controlling my thoughts, deep breathing exercises...you name it, I've probably thought of it as a possible fix to my struggles. 

But God. 

God doesn't just see the solution. He sees past the solution. He sees what His will for my life is, what His plans for me are - plans for me to prosper and have life and a future beyond anxiety. I can think all I want about anxiety and how to make it go away but God's vision is eternal. He doesn't just want me to stop with the solution - He has a vision for me that goes far beyond all I could even begin to pray for. 

What if our faith made us pray expectant prayers? Not just "help me through the day" kind of prayers, but prayers that completely put God in control - "I'm going to stop pursuing solutions and start running hard after you, God, who is able to do far more abundantly than all I can ask or think."

The second half of the verse hasn't been as committed to my mind as the first, but I didn't want to leave it out of my study, and God has completely opened my eyes through studying this verse this morning.

"...according to the power that is at work within us,"

Fellow believer, do you ever think about the fact that you have a divine and miraculous and unbelievable power that is actively working within you? 

I'll be honest, I don't think about that fact very often. But wow, I should!

Here's the thing. We are constantly looking for something better. I see it everywhere I look. You'll be hard pressed to find a human that isn't looking for something new and better, a way to fix an issue they're dealing with. You can fill in the blank: a better job, better relationship, better waist size, better appearance, better mood...better anything. We try the newest fads. We commit ourselves to living a (possibly fake) social media life that we hope makes us appear better than we actually are. We put on a happy face and go out in to our tiny world, hoping we look better than we feel under the surface.

What if we stopped striving so hard for better and stopped to think about the fact that we already have the best?

We have a power working within us that is unstoppable. It's unbeatable. It's the power above all powers. We know that God is capable of anything. He isn't limited by our finite minds. He can create something out of nothing. He hears our prayers and answers our prayers with his limitless knowledge and endless power. 

That power, the one that can't be stopped, is what is actively living in and working in anyone who has given their life to Christ. This energy should be what propels us and sustains us through our days!

What if we let the power that is working within us make us better? To improve our marriages, our friendships, our physical health, emotional health, mental health, to improve our mood and our outlook on life. I fully believe that we can harness that power of God that is already within us and use that to better ourselves. We can give up on the myriad of self-help, DIY kind of messages that are so prevalent in our world today and rely on the power of One that we know won't fail us. He is an abundantly more kind of God, after all.

What if we gave up pushing for simply what's better, realize that we're already living with the best, and used that best kind of power within us to love those around us, to show them Jesus, to build God's kingdom here on earth? My mind is reeling, thinking about how different our communities would be if we could grab hold of the power that is at work within us and if we actually let it work through us.

I pray that you'll join me in meditating on this verse. I thank God for the power that He's given each of us that are living in Him. I pray that we can use His power to achieve far more than we can even begin to imagine is possible for the sake of His name, for we serve a God of abundantly more. 

Failure

Have you ever felt like a total failure?


I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you answered “yes.” If not, well…please share your secrets!


But the fact is I can assume you have felt like a failure because you’re a human. This is probably not news to you, but failure seems to be an inevitable part of life.


Why do we fail? For any number of reasons, really. We get too caught up in the details that we miss the big picture. We forget things. We’re painfully stubborn, independent, and refuse to ask for help.

In short, we’re sinful people living in a fallen world. Whether we place blame on our circumstances, our environment, upbringing, another person, or ourselves, the fact of the matter is that failure is to be expected at one time or another or a million times.


Well, that’s enough encouragement for today.


Kidding.


So what do we do with this?


The Bible speaks in absolutes when it comes to messing up. There’s no “you might make a mistake one time, sayeth the Lord.” The Word of God makes it rather clear that perfection is not something to be attained. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a very gracious and relieving start to looking at our failures. God is not shaking His head while watching me fail for the thousandth time today, thinking “oh man, I thought today would finally be the day she got it all right! Let’s try again tomorrow…”


Nope. He knows me intimately. He created me, after all. He knows the weakest parts of my flesh and where I’m most likely to mess up. He shows mercy and grace even more in those weak spots.

Psalm 37:24 says, “though he [a man] fall, he should not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.”


If I’m honest, this verse makes me laugh a little on the inside because I relate to it on such a deep and personal level. I fall a lot, guys. Maybe not full-on faceplant, but I trip over toys/the dog/my feet/thin air all the time. You know that feeling you get when you trip? Momentum starts building and gravity takes over and you hit the “well this is inevitably happening” stage and you brace for impact. To me, this is “casting headlong.” I may be off on my translation here but as a chronic sufferer of “bull in a china shop” syndrome, that’s where my mind goes.


Imagine when you hit the “I’m going down, folks” stage of failing and the problems start snowballing and you gain momentum and the failing pushes on your shoulders like one of those Acme anvils from nowhere but instead of sudden impact with the ground, you’re met with a strong hand to steady you. When it seems like there’s no choice but to let gravity and your sin and your circumstances take you down, out of nowhere comes a steady arm, a calming voice coming over you, saying, “whoa, easy there,” picking you up from your headlong descent.


That is the power of Christ in our lives, friends. Note that He never promises that we won’t fall. The assurance of God is that He’ll scoop us up with His unfailing hands. We may feel like we’ve hit rock bottom, but I think that if we truly have Jesus in our lives, rock bottom is not a place where we can live.


To me, rock bottom alludes to a place that cannot be escaped.


Can our troubles overwhelm us?


Absolutely.


Do we feel sometimes that things couldn’t possibly be any worse? And then somehow, they actually do find a way to get worse?


Definitely. We’ve all been there before.


Do we find ourselves wondering sometimes if God has forgotten about us?


I think it’s hard to admit, but yes.


So how is this not rock bottom?


Because I believe God when He says He won’t leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 28:20)


I believe that there is freedom from condemnation and sin and death in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1-2)


I believe that God works all things together for the good of those living in Him. (Romans 8:28)


I believe that if God is for me, nothing can be against me and nothing can separate me from His love,
not even what I would consider “rock bottom.” (Romans 8:31, 37-39)


Is failure a part of life? It absolutely is and it threatens to take us down more often than we care to admit.


We can’t let rock bottom become our new residence though because God promises that we can’t stay there forever. He won’t let us remain there. There is always another side. It might not be clear to us today or next month or even five years from now, but God is working in your life, orchestrating the failures and victories and disappointments together for His glory.


Are you struggling to see why God seems to be keeping you in a holding pattern right now with certain struggles? I have been there, too. I encourage you to change your perspective and your prayers. Instead of losing heart, ask God what He want you to do with this struggle. Pray that God would show you what He’s going to do with this. Ask for strength to take the next small step of faith in the storm.


Life can be so hard, and failure can be so heavy. Open your eyes to the hand that upholds you, to the promise that the One who created you will never leave you. Soak in the promise that this will be used for His good and His glory. Hold tight to His hand. He loves you because of you who are – because you’re His – not because you managed to achieve a façade of perfection today.

Faith

God has been showing me a lot about faith lately. I have always looked at those I admire for their faith and think (absurd) things like, “wow, look how faithful she is! She doesn’t even have to try!” Of course that’s a totally logical assumption to make about someone that I know very little about.


Ahem. Right.


I realize that I’ve been very guilty of wanting God to just pour that person’s mind-boggling faith in to me while I just sit still and do nothing about it myself.


Imagine waking up one morning and deciding you’re going to get strong. Get pumped up. Grow those muscles. And then you proceed to sit on your couch, arms spread wide open, waiting for your biceps to explode in Hulk-like fashion. I don’t know this first-hand (hi, have you met me and my spaghetti arms?) but I’ve been told that people go to this gym place daily. They work out. The lift weights. They essentially tear about their muscles, and then their amazing God-given bodies know how to repair and rebuild these injured muscles, making them stronger. Wash, rinse, repeat. Dedication and hard work make muscles happen.


Or imagine a high school senior deciding he’s going to be this year’s valedictorian. He imagines himself delivering an awe-inspiring and tear-jerking message to his peers at their commencement service. He will wear a rainbow of tassels around his neck as he walks across the graduation stage, a walking advertisement of his multiple achievements during his high school career. This is the story that fills his head daily as he goes to school…and does nothing. As he comes home from school daily and chooses video games over studying. He can’t wait to show up as valedictorian but he’s not willing to put in the work. It’s just not going to happen without daily choices and follow up actions that match those decisions.


Now think about your faith. It’s an attainable goal – living a faith-filled, faith-driven life. We actually can walk by faith and not by sight. But it’s most likely not going to happen simply because you want it to. Faith requires day-to-day decisions to be made! Am I going to listen to my emotions/my peers/the world about this challenge, or am I going to entrust it to the God who knows me, who sees me, who loves me immensely? Am I willing to be fully confident in God even though I can't see Him? If I'm honest, some days living by faith seems more like an hour-by-hour choice.


Is my faith this way because God has failed me? Because He’s not powerful enough to give me faith beyond understanding?


Absolutely not.


When I feel like my faith has been knocked down a few notches, it’s because I’ve been the one doing the knocking. I can know 100% of the right answers and wholeheartedly believe them, but if I don’t make the conscious decision to act on my beliefs with my faith leading me through the darkness, where does that leave me?


Right where I started. Simply holding down the couch with my arms spread open, waiting for God and hoping he’ll just serve me my faith right off of a shiny silver platter.


Faith requires choice. It requires actions. We are responsible for our faith on a daily basis. I've been working to remember this - that when I feel a lack of faith, if God ever feels distant, it's because I am not holding up my end of the relationship. God will never leave us or forsake us, and I pray we can return that kind of love and commitment to Him!

Overcome

We spent this past weekend in Pigeon Forge with our youth group at a winter conference. It was an amazing weekend filled with lessons and worship and fellowship that I pray had a lasting impression on our students and leaders!

During our final session together, the speaker (Algernon Tennyson - incredible, I encourage you to look him up!) spoke about overcoming fear. It was the exact lesson I needed to hear, with one point in particular resonating with me.

"Overcome strongholds by replacing them with something stronger."

If you have known me for any length of time, you probably know that I deal with anxiety. I was diagnosed with it officially a couple years ago, but my story with anxiety started even before that.

If anxiety is anything in my life, it's most definitely a stronghold. A stronghold is a fortress, a place of hiding and protection. Biblically speaking though, I think of a stronghold as a fortress that I've built around myself - something I've excluded God and His wisdom and His guidance from.

Anxiety leads me to fear things that haven't happened yet. Things that probably won't happen. Things that I have no reason to even believe could happen but you better believe I'm going to worry about it anyways. Because that's what anxiety is. For whatever reason - be it a chemical imbalance or genetics or the result of a traumatic event in your life, it's different for everyone - anxiety builds up walls around your heart and mind, refusing to let reason or logic or God in to those places. The places where He really wants to be and the places where I need Him to be.

For what may be the first time in my whole life, I've had a quote stuck in my head rather than a song, which is incredible considering the music we experienced during our times of worship this past weekend.

Overcome strongholds by replacing them with something stronger.

It's gotten me really thinking about what place I'm allowing God to have in my life. Am I making Him the first thing? The biggest thing? The strongest thing? Or am I keeping my things - my strongholds - as the top thing and then trying to slide God in underneath those things?

When I think about anxiety (or depression or fear or pride or any other stronghold that we may deal with) I picture it as a box. A box with sturdy walls, filled with all of the "what ifs" that swirl in my mind. The box is pretty much filled to the top, but there's some empty space in there and that's where I seem to be telling God He can go. When I refuse to break down and let go of my strongholds, I'm essentially telling God, "I'm not going to empty this box for you...good luck trying to fit in around the junk that I insist holding on to."

But what if I made God the most important thing? What if I did empty the box every morning, every couple hours, every time I feel anxiety trying to creep to the top, and fill it with God?

What if I let God - the most important thing, the strongest thing, the most perfect thing - actually be the biggest thing in my life?

What if I genuinely replace my anxiety, the time I spend dwelling on things, my anxious thoughts with God instead of just trying to shove Him in the box alongside all the anxiety?

God has been showing me that sometimes prayers aren't answered once and for all. Sometimes a big beautiful prayer can result in a changed life, but more often I think small daily prayers or hourly prayers or prayers by the minute are what we need and are equally as beautiful to God's ears. Prayer for the next step. Prayer for the ability to get up and do the thing you need to do. Prayer for strength to say the right words and clarity to make the next decision.

Keep praying the big prayers - pray for the miracles - but don't overlook the small steps on the way to the miracle.

When I don't let God be the strongest thing in my life, I'm limiting what I allow Him to do. I can pray and pray and pray for healing, but if I don't step aside and let healing happen, it won't.

"Overcome strongholds by replacing them with something stronger."

I hope that quote gets stuck in your head today in the same way that it's been rolling around in my head the past couple days. What strongholds need broken down in your life? How can you replace your strongholds with the love of God? What lies do you need to stop believing, what sins do you need to repent from, what areas of pride do you need to lay down at the feet of Jesus?

We all have those things that keep us from living the life God wants us to live. I pray that we can work together to recognize those sins, those areas that are holding back, and that we can start replacing them with the best thing: God. His perfect love, His mercy and grace, His forgiveness and guidance.

Algernon Tennyson

Be Still.

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me and I will stand and sing
I am a child of God..."

These lyrics from Bethel Music are often tumbling around in my head. This is one of those songs that just gets me deep down in my soul every time I hear it. The song is called "No Longer Slaves" and it proclaims over and over that "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God." Amazing, amazing song. I encourage you to look up the lyric video and soak it in for a few minutes.

I'd like to think if a sea was divided before me - a chance to walk right away from the enemy pursuing me - I would know it was God who split it.

I'm sure the Israelites, under the leadership of Moses and the divine presence of God, knew Who split the sea before them, allowing them to press forward to freedom on dry ground.

If we backtrack though, we see how often the Israelites struggle along this journey. Just a few verses before this miracle occurs, the Israelites are claiming that Moses brought them out here to let them die, caught between the sea and the Egyptians. They wondered why Moses didn't just let them stay in Egypt and die!

Oh, how often I think like the Israelites.

"Oh, this is great, God, I just got out of this one hard situation only to be brought to the next one!"

What about you? How often are you in that rock and hard place situation, where the valleys keep coming and the mountaintop moments feel like mere blips on the radar of your life? How easy is it to miss the fact that God's presence is right beside us?

While the Israelites were getting themselves all worked up, Moses was trying to calm them down with what has become one of my most favorite verses in the entire Word of God.

"Don't be afraid...stand firm and you will see the deliverance of the Lord today...The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:13-14)

Be still.

The poor upset Israelites really had no choice but to literally stand still. "Good one Moses! Stand still! Where exactly do you think we're going to go?!" With an expanse of water before them and Pharaoh's army approaching behind them, what exactly did Moses think was going to happen here?

I have to think Moses wasn't trying to still their physical bodies, but rather their minds. Their hearts, their fears. In the very next verse, God tells Moses to get a move on.

I think it is important to be physically still in front of God. To wait for Him, to listen, to be calm and rest in His presence. I don't think He doesn't want our bodies to freeze in place forever though, but instead to still our hearts and minds before him.

Why?

Because when I'm still, when my fears and my brain have stopped their inner battle with my heart, when my knowledge of God stops conflicting with and overrides my anxiety, that place is the place where I can let the Lord start fighting for me.

There's a beautiful release of control that happens when I allow myself to be still for a moment. I step out of the way, God steps in, and that's when the miracles happen.

Imagine His presence beside you, waiting for you to move out of the way. When you hand over control to Him, that's when God parts the sea.

That's when the turmoil ceases and when the dry ground appears.

Be still.

Quit fighting.

Quit trying to lead the battle that doesn't even belong to you in the first place. He will fight for you, if you only let Him. He is right there with you, ready to go to battle.

I've found this is an incredibly powerful verse to pray when things are feeling hopeless.

"I'm still, God. Fight for me. I believe You can, and I know You will!"

What do you battle in your mind that keeps you from being still? Is it a particular sin? Some emotional distress? I hope that you will join me in praying this verse over yourself. Shed the things that hold you down and allow yourself to rest in the strength and provision of God.

www.bible.com (YouVersion)

The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
Exodus 14:14 KJV

https://www.bible.com/bible/1/EXO.14.14.KJVThe Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
Exodus 14:14 KJV

https://www.bible.com/bible/1/EXO.14.14.KJV