Living in this super-connected world that we live in has its benefits, but unfortunately it comes with a lot of stress, too. I think if we're going to intentionally stay plugged in to these online communities, the stress of comparison is inevitable. The "joy thief" of comparison seems to hit women especially hard.
It's so easy to scroll through my Facebook news feed, wasting my time looking at endless pictures of my friends' highlight reels. We all know deep down that that's what social media is: a highlight reel. Very few people will post pictures of their failures. Not many of my Facebook friends will post stories retelling how they totally lost their minds and yelled at their kids earlier that afternoon. (Side note - I actually do have some friends that post very real, vulnerable things and I appreciate that about them!)
So as I'm scrolling through these filtered, staged photos, I don't usually focus on the fact that they are, in fact, filtered and staged. You better believe if I'm going to post a picture of my kids, I'm going to try to place them in the least-cluttered area of our house to do it.
The issue with the mindless scrolling is that it is just that: mindless. You don't think about the fact that these other moms also moved their kid from the piles of laundry to take a cute picture of them in front of that one really well-decorated wall in their living room. We assume this is their life actually looks - uncluttered, beautifully decorated, soooo Pinteresting!
Aaaaand, enter the joy thief.
When we take comparisons personally, we hurt ourselves first and foremost. We start to think less of ourselves. We feel as though we're incapable of measuring up to these other people. We think there's no way we can be as good or as successful or as powerful or as fill in the blank as the people we compare ourselves to. When we think that often enough, it settles deep down in our souls as the truth. Before we know it's even happening, we're living our life believing that we are so much less than the next person.
From there, I believe it starts to affect our relationships. You may start looking to your husband, expecting him to do these perfect social media post-able romantic gestures. You might start placing unfair pressure on your kids, thinking in the back of your mind, "if her kids can do this, then why can't mine?" I don't think we intentionally decide to place undue pressure on our loved ones, but if we're living in a constant shadow of comparison, it's bound to start affecting our relationships with them.
I was thinking this morning how ridiculous this whole comparison game is. I had the joy of growing up in the '90s before social media was even a thing. I got off the bus, walked down the road while annoying my big brother, did my homework, played outside until dinner, and then went back outside or played with my Barbies until bedtime. There was no thought of what my classmates were doing, if it was better or more fun or more exciting than what I was doing. I was unconnected to them with the exception of the occasional phone call (on a home phone, what!) from a friend to ask about homework or to invite me to a sleepover that weekend.
I wondered what it would have been like to be a parent in the generations before social media. When you just took care of your home and your people, making memories without having everyone else's memories to compare yours to. You took pictures to keep in scrapbooks or memory boxes or picture frames, not to create the perfect Instagram aesthetic. Not to try to get more likes on this post than yesterday's post. I feel like life and motherhood and parenting had to be simpler in some respects.
When you get down to the basics of being a parent, though, it hasn't changed.
What is the goal of a mom? How do you measure the success of a mom?
I have to think it's about keeping your kids safe, cared for, and loved.
Where does social media and comparison fit in to that?
Thank the good Lord above - it doesn't fit in.
Your kids will not look back at their childhood and wish, "why wasn't my mom's hair straighter and softer, and why didn't she contour her cheekbones more successfully?" They won't look back and think "wow, my mom really should have tried harder to achieve the perfect farmhouse-style kitchen when I was in kindergarten." No child will measure your success as a parent by how much nicer and cleaner your car was when compared to your neighbor's car.
We know all of this, right? It's ridiculous to even think that our kids would care about these things.
So, why do we act like it's such a big deal to measure up to the other moms in our Facebook groups or play groups or on our Instagram feed? It all boils down to comparison.
I have found that I'm so much happier when I take a step back from social media. To unplug your mind from everyone else's world is such a healthy thing to do. It's okay to disconnect. It's okay to do motherhood without the internet. The quote is correct - comparison really does steal your joy! It's beautiful to put your phone on silent, place it in a separate room, and play with your kids or help them clean their rooms or help them with their homework.
I have to think that these are the things my kids will look back on and remember.
Put your effort in to these moments, not in to trying to be like someone you're not. Make memories that your kids will enjoy looking back on as they grow older. You don't have to be a Pinterest mom. Rather than striving so hard and killing ourselves to measure up to the impossible standard of the "perfect" mom, I hope we can all take a break, sit back, and enjoy life with our children. I hope that we can grab on to the idea that we are exactly who God made us to be, throwing away the bad habit of trying so hard to be just like everyone else.
How do you battle comparison? How do you make sure that you are embracing who you are, rather than trying to be like someone else? I hope you'll share your thoughts in the comments below!
