My Baby is a Toddler?!

Once upon a time, it was Thanksgiving 2013 and I was pregnant and woke up at my parents' house, kind of generally wanting to die. Jared and Milo and I were spending a few days with them so that we could eat all of the Thanksgiving food with all of the people and I just wanted to sleep in all of the beds. Desperate to find some sort of morning (and noon and night) sickness relief, I turned to google. Google took me to The Bump, where I found a glorious forum of hundreds of other women that were due with babies in July 2014 that were all feeling sick on Thanksgiving morning! Could it be true?

Yes, it was true. As a scared first time mom, this group was fantastic. A small fraction of the group eventually moved to a Facebook group a few months before all of our beautiful babies were born, where we were able to continue growing relationships. I now have women that I consider to be close friends that are spread out across North America and we are able to enjoy watching each others kids grow and learn and develop. We generally know what each other have going on and offer advice and support on babies, jobs, finances, relationships, pets...you name it, we've probably talked about it.

Back in September, I got the idea to write a blog post on surviving toddlerhood. I took the question to my mom group and asked for their answers. A good number of these women have multiple children and have been through the toddler years (and even lived to tell about it) and are therefore able to offer great advice. Many just have one child around Abby's age (but most are older since she was born the 27th), and some have had their second squishy baby since we started the group.

I decided to compile their answers in to a post for any other families out there that are stumbling (and screaming and crying and giggling) through the toddler years. As a first time mom, I'm thankful for these smart, experienced moms and for what they have taught me. I am no expert, so I'm happy to share advice from some moms that I do consider to be experts!

1. Pick your battles.
The fellow momma that shared this advice said, "Do we really care if she picks a shirt that looks stupid with her pants? Does it matter that she wants to do something one way (that is perfectly acceptable) but isn't how you would do it?" When you stop and think about it, no. No, it doesn't matter. We get caught up on the green bean to goldfish to milk to water to dog hair ratio and as toddlers learn how to be more and more picky about their food, some days the fact that they ate anything at all is something to celebrate. Dare I say that it's okay if they eat food off of the floor? Because I think it is. A little dirt never hurt anyone. Also, they're going to do it when you're not looking, anyways.

2. Don't put adult expectations on your toddler.
We have our own way of doing things, and whether we like it or not, our babies are growing up and finding their own ways of doing things. We expect our children to listen to us and it is frustrating when they don't. Sometime around then is when we need to step back and say, "calm down, lady, this kid is only 16 months old." Your child will get there. "No" will become more than the funniest word ever and I suspect that some day when I say, "Abby, come here," Milo won't be the only one that comes running over!

3. Kids develop at different speeds.
"Everyone's toddler has skills and attributes that make them amazing. Some kids walked right out of the womb, some already know 10 words and some sit still for an entire book. Learn your toddler's skills and celebrate them." Fantastic advice. It is so easy to play the comparison game and, as moms, we can always find the place where our own child seems to be losing. 

4. Your plans don't matter anymore.
What's that, mom? You want to leave early for church today so that you're actually not late for praise band practice for once? Well, that's nice. I'd rather throw myself on the floor and scream because you approached me with my shoe. 
I suppose the lesson in this is that moms need to wake up approximately three hours earlier than they would need to otherwise because accidents happen. Every day. And because we have endless energy, that's no big deal, right? That's what I thought.

5. Give your child choices that don't matter.
From another mom: "Do you want the blue cup or the green cup? Do you want the batman shirt or the spiderman shirt? They learn that they can have input, and, theoretically, will be more willing to listen when something happens that they don't get a choice about." Abby may be little, but she has very strong opinions about pretty much everything. I love watching her make choices and hopefully will remember this advice as she grows older.

6. To schedule or not?
If your child needs to follow his or her schedule in order to avoid becoming a melting pile of toddler, then by all means, live by your schedule. Great Aunt Bertha* is coming over and thinks kids shouldn't nap when there's company? Sorry, Great Aunt Bertha, you get to leave in two hours and I'm going to be here with my little munchkin that is whining and stumbling and tantruming three hours before bedtime because you didn't want her to nap. Sometimes, it's okay to mess up your schedule. It totally depends on your child. If we are at a friend's house, Abby can party with the rest of us until 9:00 or 9:30. When we're home? Meltdowns and eye rubs start consistently at 7:45. Follow your gut - Mom and Dad know best when it comes to their toddler's schedule.
(*disclaimer: I have no Great Aunt Bertha.)

7. Toddlers are quick to forgive and forget.
Moms are human and surprise, surprise...we aren't perfect! We snap when our kid won't stay out of the dog's water bowl, we get annoyed when they throw a tantrum because mom wouldn't let them play with something dangerous. They scream and fall face down on the floor and then, magically, two minutes later they're hugging your knees and bringing you books to read to them. Sometimes the mean momma side needs to come out and that's okay - children need discipline. The mom that shared this advice ended with, " But it doesn't mean they'll stop loving you or hate you forever." Amen, sister.

8. Breathe.
I'm reminded daily how quickly Abby is growing. There is always a mile-long list of chores and errands and projects that I should be doing, but those things can wait. Slow down, breathe, and enjoy your toddler before they're not a toddler anymore. 

9. Your kid's face will never be clean.
Food happens, dirt happens, snot happens, strange things happen that honestly have no explanation. You'd have to buy stock in baby wipes to actually keep your kid's face 100% clean 100% of the time. I figure sometime around middle school Abby will start cleaning her own face. Maybe. ;)

10. When you leave the house, take an extra towel and clothes.
Towels especially if you're going outside, and clothes because...well...they're toddlers.

11. Media doesn't give an accurate representation of motherhood.
The Today Show will feature "just an average mom" making complex crafts with their kids and none of those children are eating glue or putting beads in holes on their faces where those things don't belong. Your mom friends on Facebook angle their Instagram shots so that you can't see the piles of dirty laundry or the bag of flour that their kid just decided to empty in to the fireplace. Go easy on yourself. Another mom said, "Never compare your bloopers to someone else's highlight reel." Don't let yourself feel inferior.

And I'll end with this advice from one of my fellow mamas. You may need to grab a tissue for this one. Thanks to the ladies that helped me compile this post!

"We've touched on this before. Don't be so critical of yourself. Specifically, your appearance or your ability as a mother. When all is said and done, and we are long gone, our children think we are beautiful and they will be greedy for every single memento of us. Don't shy from pictures. They don't see the imperfections. They just see their beautiful, smiling mom who was there through thick and thin, on sick days, school field trips, graduations; marriages and the birth of grandchildren. Our children love us - just as we are. He looks to your smile to know he's done something right. He looks to your arms for comfort in the middle of the night. He rests his face in the crook of your neck and breathes in the very essence of you when he's sick. He doesn't care about jelly rolls or flabby arms or wrinkles on your face. All that matters is that we are there."